Monday, June 1, 2009

More standup

Here is a piece from my set at AMA comedy night, more to come.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Dreams I had as a kid that will never come true

Every little kid dreams big. As a kid you believe impossible things can come true. When I was a kid I dreamed of a ton of cool things happening to me when I got older that can never come true. Here are my 5 dumbest dreams as a kid:

1) Play in NBA
Reasons it will never happen: I am white, unathletic, and have a 13 inch vertical leap. Some of you will point out that those characteristics describe Steve Nash. Good point. I also lack a good shot and a high basketball IQ. I am still upset with all white players in the NBA for giving me a glimmer of hope only to have reality and my JV basketball coach smash those dreams.

2) Have a pet dinosaur
Reasons it will never happen: Lack of scientific break throughs and safety. As a kid you don't care that your favorite movies like Jurassic Park are based on science or that your yard is not nearly big enough for a velociraptor. All you think is that if you had a pet raptor you would be the coolest kid in school. Even when I saw the raptor kill the guy in the start of the movie I thought somehow it would be different between me and my pet raptor. My raptor would be the coolest; he wouldn't try to eat me. However, they still haven't been able to clone a dinosaur and my roommates have already told me they are not cool with having a raptor in our apartment.

3) Be a super hero
Reasons it will never happen: Lack of super powers. A terrible accident (i.e. radioactive spider bite) as yet to give me super powers thus turning the accident into a blessing in disguise. I cannot tell me how many times I have stood out by a nuclear power plant just hoping for something to happen. It might be for the best though; modern science most often links radioactive waste to cancer or death, not super powers.

4) Live in a house made of candy
Reasons it will never happen: Impossible to build. It seemed so simple when I was 7; I was going to build a house made of candy using my NBA salary to pay for it and live there with my raptor. I didn't realize that in the summer months the house would melt and would be invaded by ants. I learned this the one summer I tried to make my summer a candy tree house (my parents like to watch me learn through my embarrassing failures). I can still feel the ants crawling on me. It probably is all for the best, I would have just ended up trying to eat the house.

5) Be a teenage mutant ninja turtle
Reasons it will never happen: I am now no longer a teenager so this dream can never happen. Also, I am not a turtle. I was a stupid child.

Rejected Board Game Slogans

Monopoly- Finally a game for your Jewish friends

Checkers- Chess for retards

Connect 4- We make tic-tac-toe look like a bitch

Chinese Checkers- Is everything the Chinese do weird?

Chess- Good thing this game doesn't involve chance because if you are playing this game you never get lucky

Candy Land- The real world is going to suck by comparison now

Sorry- I'm not sorry

Risk- Now making bloodshed fun

Jenga- Better hope you don't have Parkinson

Clue- Did you know you could kill some one with a candle stick? For real go ahead and try it!

Twister- A fast pass to 2nd base

Sports in College

Sports are much different in college than they were in high school. In high school sports were all about school spirit, competition, and winning. In college sports are about trying to impress other people and having something to talk about to strangers at parties. This is why you must be very careful about which sports you play on the weekends. Here is what you are saying when you pick your sport in college.

Ultimate Frisbee



(if played in highschool)


(if didn't play in highschool)

Table Tennis






The Guitar Guy

It is a statistic certainty that if more than 5 guys are at a party one of them will try to play the guitar to impress everyone at the party. The "guitar guy" does this because he wants to look cool and potentially steal your girlfriend. This guitar guy will obviously get all the attention and admiration of all people (especially the ladies). The good news is that I have collected a list of four instruments that if you are able to play, you will make that guitar playing douche look like a bitch.

1-Harp. Simple yet elegant. A harp says you are cultured and classy. A harp also says you are a caring, gentle soul (ladies ;) )Also, you will look like an angel. Be sure to point out that your instrument has 46 strings compared only six strings. That makes your instrument 7.666 times harder to play. The women will be turned on by your math skills.

2-Double neck guitar. Excuse me, how many necks does your guitar have? Yeah, that's what I thought. Your guitar will be mathematically twice as cool as the other guy's guitar. Also, you will be either able to rock twice as hard or twice as long. The choice is yours.

3-Organ. People will be impress purely that your were able to bring an organ to the party. You only need to be able to play a song or two to impress people.

4-Keytar. Excuse me how many instruments does your instrument combine? Yeah that's what I thought. Keytars used to popular so I am sure they are making a come back, probably. You will look like your own man because no one gives keytar lessons so you have to teach yourself. Imagine this conversation:

Hot girl: So where did you learn to play keytar?

You: I had to teach myself. No one gives lessons. If you don't believe me you can check craigslist.

Hot girl leaves

Hot girl returns 2 minutes later

Hot girl: I just checked craigslist. You were right. That is hot.

Hot make out session

Ferris Bueller All Grown Up

7:00 AM Phone rings
Ferris- Hey, Cameron whats up?

Cameron- I just got up. I am about to get ready for work. Why you calling so early?

Ferris- You want to take the day off? It will be so much fun. I have an elaborate scheme to get us out of work and then we can have a day of funny misadventures.

Cameron- Dude we have a huge presentation today. This could make or break our careers.

Ferris- If anyone needs a day off, it's Cameron. He has a lot of things to sort out before he gets promoted. Can't be wound up that tight and get promoted, his new boss would kill him.

Cameron- Ferris, stop doing that monologue thing you do. I can hear you. Also, you can't afford to miss another of work. You have missed 8 days this month.

Ferris- It's cool I will just use my computer to hack into the system and change that.

Cameron- Dude your computer is like 20 years old. And they have firewalls and stuff like that at work. There is no way you can hack it. Plus, they know you are not physically there, you work down the door from the boss.

Ferris- Then I will give them an excuse. I will say my mom is in the hospital. The key to faking out our boss is giving him a nonspecific problem. I am a big believer in saying a family member is in the hospital.

Cameron- That's messed up, man. What would we even do if we took the day off?

Ferris- The question isn't "what are we going to do," the question is "what aren't we going to do?"

Cameron- That didn't answer my question.

Ferris- Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond.

Cameron- Damnit, stop that. I can hear you when you monologue! You are probably looking at some imaginary camera too. Something is seriously wrong with you. Just answer me: what are we going to do today?

Ferris- Alright, we would go into the city, eat at a nice restaurant, see a museum, and steal a car.

Cameron- Steal a car!? What the hell? That is a serious crime. What else are you going to do today, snort cocaine?

Ferris- Yeah that would be cool if you wanted to.

Cameron- Dude this isn't high school anymore, you can't just miss work and steal cars and get away with it.

Ferris- I killed a hobo last week and no one found out. There are no consequences to my actions. *Laughs maniacally*

Cameron- Ummm... I am going to go call in sick so we can hang out.

Ferris- Awesome! I say we get in a bar fight. I have always wanted to stab someone with a beer bottle. That would really make me feel like I am alive! *Hangs up*

Cameron- *Calls the police* Dear God, please help me.